


Existing

by pininibread0901



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-12
Updated: 2015-09-12
Packaged: 2018-04-20 08:59:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4781492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pininibread0901/pseuds/pininibread0901
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carmilla's musings after she leaves the apartment. Post 2x30.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Existing

I’ve always tried co-existing and for the most part, I had always succeeded. I co-existed with my family in Austria despite knowing I was always…different. I co-existed with humans after being turned by Maman. In the first few years, there were a few slip-ups, but after a while I was able to live among humans without tearing their throats open every time. I co-existed with the idea of Ell betraying me, and dying because of me as I wasted away in that blood filled coffin. I co-existed with the guilt of having aided in the murder of young women in order to satisfy the hunger of a demigod in the form of an anglerfish. I co-existed with the pain of having Laura call me a monster. Not to my face, but still called a monster. I co-existed with the fact that she was right; that there lived a monster locked away in the deepest parts of me. Perhaps it was my need to still feel human, my need to still be me that I locked that part away. I co-existed with everything and everything in order to keep that part of me at bay: in order to still be Mircalla von Karnstein, the eighteen year old girl who died so many centuries ago. I may have aged in experience, but I would like to think that I kept the essence of Mircalla alive.

Except, now I wish I never did lock that monster part away.

Because of my fear of co-existing with that side, I lost everything.

Because I was weak, I lost my best friend.

Because of my unquenchable thirst to stay human, I lost my sister.

My best friend. My sister. My Mattie.

Gone. Just like that.

And for what?

For a girl who I thought could love me for me. For a girl who broke down all my walls. For a girl that could convince me that I was worth it. For a girl who saw the pain in my eyes when I would recall the innocent lives that I had ended. For a girl that I would have given anything to be human for.

For her. For Laura. My Laura.

No, not mine. She was never mine.

Silly, Carmilla. Laura never loved you. You were just a means to her end. A sword to wield in order to become the hero and slay the dragon. Only, you’re not an unfeeling object, and Mattie was never a dragon to slay.

Stupid, Carmilla. How could you think that you could ever have trusted her? Humans are fickle, temperamental and unpredictable. They only see what they want to see and will twist and maim anything in order for it to fit in their pre-cut categories of life.

Idiot, Carmilla. How could you have thought that Laura was different? She’s just like them. She’s exactly how Mattie made her out to be.

And you didn’t listen.

I didn’t listen. I gave Laura the secret. I gave her the key. This is my fault. Mattie died because of my stupidity. Because I loved Laura.

Mattie died because I was too human. I should have learned. Maman was right. I should have left all that human feeling nonsense in the grave when I was murdered.

Love has no business with vampires. Loving a human, is a like handing them a stake and holy water: it was a guaranteed long and painful death.

But God, why did she do that? Why would she do that? Regardless of Mattie, why did she do that to me? I trusted her. I loved her. Did that not mean anything to her? Were all her speeches about caring for me lies? Did she not know that in her telling Danny about the locket, she had already dropped my heart? Did she not know, that in her admitting to it, she crushed my heart as easily as that lumbering red headed imbecile crushed Mattie’s?

Does she not know that in killing Mattie, she killed the only thing keeping me from destroying Mircalla altogether?

Does she not know that despite all that she’s done, I still love her? That I blame myself and want nothing more than to hold her? That even though I want to hear Mattie’s voice again, I crave her warm embrace?

No. No more, Carmilla. No more of that.

Mattie’s dead. Wrongfully accused of murders she did not do, and killed by a group of humans, who only saw the world in black and white.

Well, now they’re going to see red.

Laura wanted a hero, a warrior for justice and righteousness. I am not and never shall be that.

Laura has her new sword, a tall red flaming one. She slayed one dragon, so what’s one more?

She wanted fairytale, but doesn’t she know that in story, there’s a villain that is black to their core?

She wants a fairytale, I’ll give her a fairytale. I’ll burn, hunt, and kill everything and anything in my path. Mircalla is gone. Carmilla is gone. There is no more holding back the monster. There is no more co-existing, only existing. I’ll be that villain. I’ll be that dragon.

**_When I’m done with this place, there will be nothing but ashes._ **

__

Slowly opening her eyes, Carmilla starred into the night sky. It was starless, cold and black, mirroring the vampire’s eyes. Letting out a humorless laugh, Carmilla sat up, taking in the solarium. A place filled with memories that once made her heart beat erratically, only served to be a reminder of her foolishness.

Cracking her neck, she took in a deep breath, breathing in all the memories she and Laura had shared together.

With a long exhale, she opened her eyes. Gone was the soulless look, replaced by an animalistic rage. Her eyes were ablaze with hatred, anguish, and fury.

Gone was the Carmilla that watched the moon landing with Mattie. Gone was the Carmilla who saved the campus. Gone was the Carmilla that loved Laura.

In her place stood something, that only could be described as Maman’s Glittering Girl. There in her place stood the demon that Mattie so longed to see, that Carmilla had kept at bay for so long.

Looking out into the campus, she smiled.

“Laura wants a monster?”

Her fangs elongated and glistened in the moonlight.

“I’ll give her a monster.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hello. I apologize for any grammatical or spelling errors. I wrote this about an hour ago so it's pretty raw. I haven't written in a while so I'd greatly appreciate comments and feedback. Thank you.


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